Our neighbor’s wife died a couple of weeks ago; we found out at 4am this morning (neither Russ nor I could sleep – sick – and happened to get a late night email from our neighbor explaining the details). Tonight Russ went over to spend some time with our new friend and we tried to explain a little bit of the situation to Lily, in preparation of she and I visiting the family tomorrow (we are too sick tonight).
Lily understood completely what we explained – that the woman she met, with the snake and toys in the drawer, isn’t here with us now. She understood completely when we explained that the man she met didn’t have his best friend with him anymore and that he was sad. She immediately exhibited sadness and a sense of being unsettled. She said her heart hurt. It was brief and she momentarily stated she didn’t want her Papa to go and see him, she wanted him to stay with her. She quickly distracted herself, but revisited her feelings about 5 minutes later, expressing understanding of something that didn’t feel good, but not knowing what or how to express it.
I am at a complete loss of how to address this subject with her. I sensed she would have more comprehension than what one might expect, but I did not expect her to make so many obvious connections and reflections. Extended family has moved in with our neighbor for a while to help him transition and keep his business going; they have 2 kids, 4 and 9. Russ has indicated he believes the kids are a potentially good match for Lily and hopes we can meet them soon, and show our support to our friend as a whole family. I am concerned however, how Lily will handle the atmosphere in the home.
I remember how protective I was of Bugz when we took her with us to both of Russ’s family funerals a while ago. She was too young to perceive anything, except for the sorrow and sadness in the faces of those present. I prevented her from viewing the bodies in the caskets because I was aware of her ability, even at that young age, to recognize them – and to recognize they were lifeless.
When I was a child, I went to too many funerals, too close together, too young. I don’t really understand my reactions and behaviors, but I despise funerals now. Death is different than the ceremonies. We each handle grief in our own way and I seem to disconnect rather thoroughly, to make peace as it were a while down the road. My grieving process appears to be somewhat scattered and fragmentary across a period of time. I don’t know Russ’s… but I do know that I don’t want to artificially influence, or hasten my daughter’s unique and personal development of this process.
An excerpt from an article that deals with emotions in kids – though not directly related, a correlation can be made.
“All children begin their lives with complete frankness about their needs. Babies and toddlers reveal their longings with no compunction: what you see is what you get. If a child reaches out for attention and for warmth and she gets it, her ability to be open and directly assertive is reinforced. By begrudging our children’s healthy attention-seeking behaviors, we unwittingly train them to be indirect. We leave them little room for much else, so they go for the attention they need and deserve through the back door.
Our society tends to consider children’s needs for attention as a bother. No wonder children become indirect attention seekers, some even going to great lengths to fall ill or get injured in order to be noticed. Children who have too often been denied attention can become insatiable, as if no amount of limelight ever fills their cup. Attention is life-giving, a basic need and a human right. Children deserve all the attention they want.” http://www.naturalchild.org/robin_grille/emotions.html
This article is more directly applicable:
The Wisdom of Grief: Understanding Your Kids When Someone Close Passes On
We each will experience our grieving process, as adults, but what about our kids? While there are certain expected phases to the grieving process: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance, not everyone will go through this process the same way, and the duration of this process will vary. Kids also experience grief, however, the way they experience emotions will likely not be the same way you do.
Acknowledging the Truth
My daughter is a precocious five year-old in some ways and in other ways all of five years old. When I knew I had to leave to try to see my Dad before he “graduated from life” I told my daughter, with tears in my eyes, that Bid Daddy was sick and may not live through this, knowing that she would not fully understand. When I was trying to tell her about “Big Daddy”, she understood that something not good was going on, and she was trying to change the subject, kept turning away, and then grabbed my face to try to make me laugh. It was clear that she was feeling upset, and my daughter does not like to cry. Instead, she will do things to distract, be funny, change the subject… It is very important to know how your child responds to emotions and to not expect them to behave like you do.
After my Dad’s death, I had hoped to be able to come home from Tucson and talk with her together with my wife about what happened, but because of some family events that occurred my wife had to tell her. That was okay with me, as life often happens when you are making plans, and my wife did a masterful job with this discussion. Sometimes in life, things don’t happen as we want them to and you may have to make do with what you have. Don’t expect to be able to control what happens or to control how your child behaves, especially when it comes to the death of loved one.
When I came back home, we talked. I asked her how she was feeling and she said she felt sad, she then asked, “What happened?” I told her that Big Daddy had been sick for a while, and his body was tired and it wore out. He lived a long life and we would always have our memories. I said that Mommy and I were not sick and expected to be here for her through the years, but I stopped short of making promises I know I couldn’t keep. Over the past few weeks, we continue to ask how she is feeling about Big Daddy about every third day, and she often says she feels sad, and I let her know that whatever she is feeling is okay. I want her to know it is okay to talk about the situation and her emotions.
Celebrating A Life
A few days after my Dad died, we, as a family, got together on Skype (for those who could not be there), ate pizza together and told funny and heart-warming stories about my Dad. My daughter was part of that. I wanted her to tell stories about the things that they did and see that when someone moves on in life, we can celebrate their life and each determine how they are remembered. We all laughed together and celebrated his life and our lives with him, instead of his death. One can argue that this was easy for us, because my Dad lived a long full life, but I can also say that when I was eight and my brother died, we all did the same thing with his friends, which made some very difficult days easier to handle. For me, no matter how long or short a life is, I feel blessed to have been graced with that person’s presence. I want my daughter to also be exposed to that view, as well as honoring the views of others.
What I also told her is that Big Daddy will always be around us and in our hearts and memories. We won’t have to use the phone to talk to him either. We may not be able to hear his answers, but know that he is listening to us. My daughter also never ceases to amaze me. The other day we were talking to my Mom on the phone, and Grace was there and says to my Mom, “Mumsy I’m sorry that Big Daddy died. We miss him a lot. He was a very, very special special man to your son.” My wife and I looked at each other and picked each other’s jaws off the floor and saw even deeper into her brilliant little soul. And last night at dinner she commented in her dinner prayer about Big Daddy. Sometimes your kids will have some of the most profound words of wisdom. Listen and acknowledge them. Don’t dismiss these moments.
The Emotional Roller Coaster
In the last week, many of those who care for our daughter have noticed her behavior being more distracted and escalating lately. Kids (and adults) often regress emotionally and behaviorally when under stress. This type of behavior is not uncommon, but often when parents are in the middle of their own grief, they miss their child’s behaviors as a symptom of grief as to why their child is misbehaving and punish them, sometimes further squashing their child’s processing of grief.
When we realized this behavioral trend in the last few days, I took another opportunity to ask her how she felt about Big Daddy and if she knew why she was making the choices she was making. She said, once again that she felt sad that Big Daddy died and that was why she was behaving like she was. Almost just as quickly, she changed the subject and wanted to talk about something else. But even then a few minutes later, she wanted my wife to get her dressed for school, seeming to push me away. I still got her dressed, because it was my day to do that, and just as quickly, she moved through that and was off and running. If your kids need to tell you a thousand times that they feel sad, let that be okay. However, if it their behavior continues to get more disruptive and complicated, ask for help from a professional.
The Tip Sheet
- It is important after a death to re-establish structure and stability. Kids respond much better to this. If everyone’s world falls apart and there is no structure, this can feel scary to kids and they may act up even more.
- Know that your children’s reactions are often not because of you. You are still responsible for your actions. Don’t blame your and their actions on others, but help them understand that grief may be a reason for their behaviors.
- If you do “lose your cool” with your kids regardless of their behavior, take responsibility for it and make efforts to change it.
- When you talk to your kids about their emotions, especially around death, don’t expect them to answer you when you want or how you want.
- Know that your kids are having a hard time understanding their emotions and what death means to them and others.
- Know that your grief is not their grief.
- I feel glad that my daughter saw my tears and knew that I felt sad and felt loss. This is part of being human, but don’t lean on them for emotional support. While it is important that they know how you are feeling, they shouldn’t be expected to take care of you.
- While it is important to keep the memories of that person alive, don’t use that person who has passed as someone who is going to know everything they do and think poorly of them if they misbehave.
- Most importantly, be aware to give your kids and yourself time to process their grief, their way and you your way.
There is an unspoken wisdom to grief. It is a process that allows us to work through transitions in life, and the emotions that we experience are necessary and vital to this process, however we may experience them. My daughter will continue to work through this change in her relationship with her Big Daddy, and I look forward to being there to help her with it. She has already been a great help to me.
Through the grieving process, keep in mind that your child’s soul may be much older and wiser than you think… Listen carefully. I love you Grace. You inspire me.
Erik Fisher, PhD, aka Dr. E…, is a licensed psychologist and author who has been featured on NBC,CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.DrEPresents.com to learn more about his books “The Art of Empowered Parenting” and “The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict or to check out his blog.